When they go low, You go no contact
Going no contact can be a difficult decision to make for yourself.
You have to access the reasons that you are going no contact.
Is it safe for you to go no contact
I had planned to go non contact when I first moved out of state
But I had to build a stable foundation first
I know that that sounds very selfish of me but I learned that there is actually nothing wrong with being selfish sometimes.
I also stuck around because I needed to ensure that I was ok with this.
It is normal to be worried about the consequences of these actions.
I had to think about if I am willing to risk never speaking to my mother she could pass away.
I even broke no contact while she was suffering with heart failure and that really ensured me that I was ok with the consequences.
Unfortunately some people will never be able to see how you have changed.
Believe it or not you are not even “changed” you are just who you have always been once the trauma subsides.
I had a terrible and unsatisfying childhood. Only a few adults chose not to abuse me and I felt like because my mother abused me so openly, members of her family were more open to doing the same.
You have to rebuild your self concept me and my best friend were talking about how we are building new self concepts.
My mother has always told me I shouldnt have children because I am selfish even though no one else besides her has ever thought that.
I kept telling myself oh I never wanted to have children, because I don’t really wanna share and I had to realize that actually I wasnt selfish and I have always had the desire to have children.
You dont have to go no contact with everyone, if you are going to stay in contact with a few people than understand that may come with some triggers.
I chose to stay in contact with my grandmother because she has always taken good care of me , she does not share my view of my mother or other family members.
I am very direct with what I expect from her; while I do not mind if she mentions my mother because obviously she spends time with her. In no way can she ever try to facilitate contact with her and nor can she pressure me to speak to her.
She learned the hard way when a cousin who tried to SA me, picked up her phone and I didnt speak to her for a year.
I also keep in contact with my brother, who respects me enough to not speak about my mother to me and I respect him by not disrespecting our mother to him
Its all about setting boundaries.
It’s important that you also build a strong support group. When I came to terms with the fact that I will not be going to family events like Christmas, Thanksgiving and If I ever get married. I wont be surrounded by the love of family, my mother will not meet my children and I had to grieve that
Going no contact causes alot of grieving… even prematurely grieving, I have to accept that one day I am going to get a call that my mother is no longer here. I will honestly be very sad that she is gone, but I will not feel guilty at all about what I decided to do. Of course you’re not going to happy about that and if you think you are you are fooling yourself.
I have to grieve all the apologies I won’t get and I have to accept that it happened and even when I feel like it is unfair what happened I have to accpet it. I also have to forgive myself so that I can let go of shame and embarrassment about alot of situations. I have to forgive myself so that I can be authentic.
Make sure that it is safe to cut these people out: If you are supported financially by your parents or going to get possibly abused for leaving the situation please make sure that you are 100% on solid ground first. It took me 3 years to go non contact with my mother after I moved away because I did still need help with things.
Make a list of reasons why and do not share them with these people. I kept a tally of things my mom did… for 3 years straight she had never asked me how I was doing and she was constantly talking about herself.. This plus her prior abuses was enough for me let it go. I wrote all these things out so that whenever I felt weak I could look back at it.
It is ok to drop in every once in a while and see if things have gotten better. I went no contact with my mom for 3 years and then I contacted her again to see if anything had changed… We had a great 2 months until she started showing her true colors again and I had no issues cutting her off again
Forgive yourself: You are going to feel guilty as hell sometimes and like you are the worst person on earth.I felt this especially when I went no contact with my grandmother she kept calling me and leaving sad voicemails but I had to really realize that I was doing this for me.
Work on your self concept: You have probably been told so many things about yourself that are not actually you. Maybe you’re mean, maybe you have anger issues, maybe you are crazy. Never feel ashamed about what you did to protect and defend yourself in adversity. Ask your friends about you. Ask people who know you from work,
Build a community for yourself: I did alot of networking and I invested highly in relationships with people. Just because I dont wanna be around the people I am related to doesnt mean that I dont want a family. I built long term family like relationships with people throughout the years. So I am always surrounded by so many people who love me.
Going no contact can be a difficult decision to make for yourself and by yourself. Juggling between feeling obligated to stick around and knowing that it’s best for you to distance yourself is no easy feat. The wonderful thing about going no contact is that it is not permanent and you can leave room for future consideration. In this article I will discuss with you everything you might be curious about knowing when it comes to going no contact:
I decided to go no contact with many people in my family far before I ever actually did. Going no contact with your family is not something that you do in a split second, it is usually done after multiple instances of trying not to. I had a tumultuous relationship with many of my family members and I didn’t see it getting any better. At some point as humans we fall into a pattern of behaviors that are really hard to break, and I want you to keep that in mind when you consider going no contact.
ESTABLISH YOURSELF:
When I decided to go no contact I had to break some of the patterns I was used to, like depending on the very family I wanted no contact with. I also had to build the habit of not seeking these people out when I needed a “Get Out of Jail Free” card so to speak. I began working towards my goal of independence and ensuring that I had a safety net. I made sure that I had a stable job and was saving money. I also began investing in friendships because relationships with others will provide you with a support system when you leave a toxic situation. By any means if you totally depend on your family then I would suggest building your own foundations before pulling the plug on them. I myself had moved away and made sure that I could sustain my independence for three years before I went no contact with my family. I also built a strong network of friends who I consider to be my true family.
ASSESS THE SITUATION
When it comes to going no contact you really want to be sure that you are making a good decision. It is best to sit with yourself and really assess the situation by evaluating some of the following things:
Is it safe for me to leave this situation right now? If so, how long do I think I need before I can?
Am I doing this out of spite or out of love?: This question is very important because you do not want to regret your decision, or do something brash to hurt people. It is hard to heal in a place of resentment and no contact should be beneficial to all parties. Believe it or not, no contact is an act of love.
Am I willing to deal with the consequences of no contact? Yes when you go no contact you will miss out on things, and something horrible could happen in your absence. The consequences of no contact can be final, like you a family member could pass away and you will have to deal with the emotions that come with that. Guilt, shame and obligations are a huge reason why people often stay stuck in a cycle of abuse, especially with family. We as a society have been told over and over again that our family is the most important thing to us. In reality, family members are just related to you by blood and it’s up to you to decide how much that means to you.
How does it make me feel to think about life without them? Dig deeply and allow yourself to feel the emotions or physical changes you experience when you think about going no contact. Maybe, your shoulders begin to relax when you envision a life without this person. You might even feel emptiness and sadness without them.
WANTS, NEEDS AND GRIEVE:
When it comes to going no contact, you might leave feeling like nothing really changed because you still feel terrible even without contact. That is why it is important to grieve everything before you go. You will have to come to terms with never getting an apology or letting people think something about you that is not even true. That is why you need a list of wants and needs, because you might really want your mother to apologize to you but do you need it?
Examples of needs:
Safety
Support system
Financial independence
Therapy
Examples of Wants:
An apology
Closure
Validation
FAREWELL FOR NOW?
When you go no contact it doesn't have to be permanent and you can always take space for yourself. You may come back better equipped to handle a situation you previously couldn’t stand.
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